By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
