Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
