I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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