Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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