: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
