yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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