You're my little dorito
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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