dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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