i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
