I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
