Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
