what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
