Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I cockslap morals
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
