go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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