PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
