if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
