I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
