this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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