This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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