see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
