he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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