I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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