Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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