Soap is not a condiment
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
