I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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