True but thats because hes a fetus.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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