Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
