dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
false alarm, still single
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
