Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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