Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
