nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
