You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
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I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
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I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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