did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
