just tell him i said nine months
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
