Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
