it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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