Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
