We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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