My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
