I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
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There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
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At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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