i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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