My nipple is on Facebook.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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