Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
