how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
