So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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