I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
