I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
