dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My bed smells like the plague
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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