I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
