I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
