I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
