My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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