there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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