I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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