I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
