Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
