I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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