shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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