you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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